Hold the Glimmer

Archive for the ‘Holding…Holding..’ Category

One would think taking some serious time off from writing would provide an opportunity for thoughts and ideas to cultivate in the mind.  One would think…
 
I can’t say with any degree of accuracy where or who I’ve been since I last disgraced the interwebs with my complaint-laden gibberish.  Hazy snapshots come to mind, but much like a conversation with my parents – I can never divulge anything more than generalities and insignificant details.  I’d like to say that I’ve grown as a person, learned about myself and the world, gained culture and wisdom and understanding; but the reality is I’ve burned off too many brain cells to have possibly gained anything more than an early onset of alzheimer’s and a lifetime ban from… well, it’s not important.
 
Lately I’ve been wondering how much is too much?  How far is too far?  At what point do we stop pushing the limits of public intoxication and weekend warriorhood?  When do we make the jump from running-into-the-stands Ron Artest to sweet charitable goofball Metta World Peace?  What the fuck does Metta even mean, anyway?  (Editors note: I’ve decided that Metta is my new favorite word and officially a new glimmer game.  See how many times you can use that word in a day; via email, casual conversation with your boss, to the girl crying in the bathroom stall next door…you get the picture. Game on!)
 
Maybe I was supposed to cut the shit after college, but it has only gotten worse – or better, depending on your perspective.  These days I have money to party in ways I always wanted when I was a broke student living on spaghetti and Italian dressing.  Now, every year feels like a competition to outdo last year, and the result is always the same – I’m the big winner.  The best is yet to come, which is both exciting and frightening, because as I keep surpassing myself – I’m almost positive that my body is losing.  It has to be.  Something has to give at some point.  It’s only a matter of time…
 
Normal people chalk up their hazy years to youthful rebellion and move onto the long boring phase of domesticity as a result of their ensuing maturity.  They get real jobs, settle down, have kids, and everything else takes a backseat to “life.”  I’ve started a career, not a star-studded one, but a career to be proud of nonetheless.  One that requires me to be a responsible upstanding adult, which I appear to be during work hours.  I’m surrounded by nice people – friendly grown folks who work hard even on their days off, pick up their kids from school, pay their mortgages, remodel their homes, and occasionally play golf or poker if they have a couple of hours free.  Nice people – fucking squares.  Did they start off that way?  God forbid.  Was it a gradual breaking of the exuberance and spirit that once had them preaching free love and Tuesday night skinny dipping?  It seems that even the ex-hipsters and night owls eventually sold out in the name of practicality and parenthood – two concepts with which I’m entirely unfamiliar.  
 
The other night I tried something completely outrageous and out-of-character.  It was despicable, unforgivable; my parents would be proud.  I stayed home, and did nothing.  Actually, I stayed in my hotel room.  I’m living at the Marina Del Rey Marriott right now, not that it matters or that you care – it’s just a detail to flesh out the story.  So, on a weekend night (it was Thursday, but I had Friday off), I sat in my hotel room, ordered room service, and watched my view of the pacific ocean with its sandy beaches and docked sailboats.  It was quiet, serene; just lovely.  I remember thinking, which is already a big deal for me… “Maybe I can do this – mellow out and step back from the edge.”  I’ve always been attracted to the locomotive lifestyle of monsters and rockstars.  All my heroes had the grit to push their limits, and as a result cranked out some incredibly profound bodies of work.  But, then again, all my heroes are either dead or in rehab.  Perhaps there’s something to this simple life of sobriety.  It seems a moment can be enjoyed without slurring obscenities over loud music, or offending patrons at late night diners.  Of course by 10pm I was absolutely bored with the view, the television, the room, the book I brought, and myself.  I hit the 8th floor for some free concierge Chivas, and the rest of the weekend was a blur from that point on…
 
Some might call that a failure in abstinence.  Clearly I’m a little off when it comes to prioritizing my free time.  My idea of fun can range anywhere between high-fiving dancing midgets to looking into the very face of God (sometimes in the same night).  In the middle of a year when I’ve lived harder than ever before, asking to stop and smell the proverbial roses is a tall order.  In all honesty, it feels like the only time I have to reflect on this hellish existence is the thirty minutes after pouring myself into my desk chair, before the calls start coming in and the meeting notices pop up for the day.  Break up the monotony of work through play – earn the right to play through work, and sleep when necessary.  Sounds great, but every system or schedule heads toward chaos.  A wrench in the machine, or a week or two off the grid might be just the necessary break it takes to perpetuate the craziness and keep the plates spinning in the air.  Hah, a week or two… I could barely stand four hours.  Like any exercise though, one can’t just max out right off the bat.  You build up.  So my four hours can be expanded to an entire evening, and eventually a weekend, and then a whole week.  A whole week… I can feel the neurons regenerating at the thought.  It sounds like madness comparing relaxation and sobriety to working out, but I suppose some people have to try to eat more pizza, watch more television, and remind themselves what a sunset looks like through fresh clear eyes.   
 
So I do admit, a holiday (that’s English for vacation) from the insanity is in order, but I don’t plan on slowing down permanently anytime soon.  This year will pale in comparison to next year, and that’s just how I like it.  How far is too far?  We’re not there yet.  Taking a break gives me the chance to reflect on the good times passed, and plan bigger and better ways to conquer the night.  This has nothing to do with rebellion, or having trouble appreciating myself, or running away from any deeper issues.  I know what I’m looking for – to fulfill a dream – the American Dream, the fucking Global Dream.  The dream of participating without restraint in the human condition.  To use up the body I’ve been given tasting the fruits of life all over the world.  The operative word for the unattainable here would be balance.  Personally, I don’t believe in it.  If everything is in equilibrium and you’re feeling comfortable, you’re probably sleeping too much.  At our age, only the flounders feel any consistent level of comfort.  Monsters thirst for more – not as an indulgence in gluttonous bullshit, but as a quest for the kind of experiences mere mortals only see with their eyes closed; not to repeat the same fun and games until we grow tired and give them up, but to challenge ourselves to break out of the box we live in and truly feed our souls.  When my time is up, I won’t be looking back to say I missed out by sitting on the sidelines.  What would be the point?  To live in consistent boredom until the end of time, in hopes that heaven will make up for everything that passed you by on Earth?  Sounds a little uncertain to me.  Because when I finally do settle down – it won’t be because I was too scared to find what I really wanted.  In the meantime, I’m going to test my tolerance for discomfort by taking deep breaths and experiencing some calm.  And if you see me sitting there obnoxiously tapping my feet, it’s not because I’m fiending – it’s just to remind myself the ground is still there…
 

This is my life

 
Advertisements

Do you know how many times a day I get asked if I have a gun?

Moments ago, our Chief of Compliance walked out of a heated meeting in our Chief of Legal’s office, which just so happens to be right across from my desk.  She slammed her papers on my desk, threw her glasses across the room, and asked if I had a gun.  I forced a chuckle, gave some kind of witty “OHHHHH It’s THAT kind of day” response, and went back to my important Sarah Palin gchat convo with Duke.  A mere 49 seconds later, above mentioned Chief Legal strides out of his office and to my desk- “I just need one bullet, just one.”  Um. Excuse me? REAL SHIT, CORPORATE.  REAL. SHIT.  I understand corporate is brutal, but recently this question has been surfacing more often than “Tracy, where’s the toner?” (same place as it has been since the day we opened up shop folks.  The toner has yet to move.  The toner will never move.  The toner is still in the exact same place as the day you asked a year ago. I still remember this conversation because you then proceeded in asking where the supply room was and I asked if you, as a founding officer of this fine establishment, knew where anything in this office is. You replied with “no”, a hearty laugh, and a swift exit. I digress.) Does corporate really think of guns that often?  Are we thisclose to letting the postal office off the hook and coining “going corporate?”  Do I get a gun too?

Please?

Speaking of firepower, here’s your fun fact of the day:

Operation Glimmer was a code name used to throw off the dirty Germy’s during WW2.

(Thank you again, Howard Stern and Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Operation_Glimmer)

Oh glimmer, how you make my world go round….

In continuing with our efforts to keep this blog going and holding the glimmer in any way, shape, or form – I’m going to clear up some confusion.  You see, Duke and I are often asked what exactly it means to “hold the glimmer”.  Most of the time, I respond with “How am I supposed to know?” or “Who the fuck are you anyway?” or “Find your own definition, you bastard devil child!”  This time is different.  I may have an answer and you may have to continue reading to see if this really fleshes out in to a worthy response.  Chances are dimmer than a candle during Chanukah, but let’s hold the glimmer (see what I did there.)

The problem with defining hold the glimmer is that it’s a lot like love- everyone has their own interpretation (my love definition comes from Sleepless in Seattle, yours…unclear (and stay tuned for the next blog on how movies ruined my ideals of love, life, friendship, money, …everything.))

A few years ago, I sat down to a regular Sunday night of catching up on important current events and cultural affairs (read- trash TV) before the monotonous work week.  As I was perusing the options, the remote got jammed and landed me directly in the middle of Lamar and Khloe’s televised nuptials (slight fabrication, I chose to stop where I did.  You see, up to that point, I had yet to watch any Kardashian filth.  These Kardashians run amok throughout my town, live directly across the street from my boss who constantly reminds me of their lavish affairs and camera crews, and have yet to do anything of worth outside of beautifying their family for money and seriously awesome threads.)  As I watched in awe and dismay, I started realizing the Kardashians are what’s wrong with the world (big statement with no follow up.  Sorry.)  You know the saying, “The world is your oyster”?  Well the oysters are running out.  They’re nearly fucking extinct.  And it’s the likes of those Kardashians who are ravenously inhaling them; raw, fried, doused in vinaigrette, whatever… Do we finally understand the oyster comments now?  OK.

So with the idea that the world is your oyster, comes the fact that you actually have to find your oyster.  This is no easy task and I have no advice in how to find said oyster, as I’m currently still figuring this out myself.  You’re reading this blog.  You get where I am in life. From 9-5, it’s not pretty.

You may have to dig through three hundred shredded paper boxes to find one receipt for your bosses refundable car wash, alphabetically organize your said boss’ preferred hotel choices for when he stays in New York, or merely clean 20 coffee cups a day for the shmucks who left them in the sink and “forgot” to rinse them out the day before.  You may get yelled at for stealing toilet paper from the bathrooms because upper management decided they had no interest in further budgeting for your or any of the other two hundred and seventy employees constantly running nose.  These instances are all variables, all events that change from day to day and there is really only one way to handle them: hold the glimmer.

Holding the glimmer is keeping the hope that someday, somehow, somewhere, you will find your oyster.  Some find immediate relief in drinking, be it at the office (I don’t follow the “it’s 5pm somewhere!” rule.  “There’s alcohol somewhere that’s not being consumed” is my rule.) , at a conservative family function when you’re the only one with “liberal” seemingly tattooed to your head, or in your third year of the same class that’s keeping you from your BA.  A cup is a cup after all, and your relationship with what’s in that cup is entirely up to you and the cup.   Maybe your definition of “hold the glimmer” is laughing at old people when they fall.  Falling is funny and age should not be a factor in laughter and entertainment.  I don’t judge. I’m the one making paper clip chains, remember?  Maybe you’re brand new to the entire concept of hold the glimmer, and your idea consists of inhaling expensive cupcakes, listening to Insane Clown Posse, all while reading our blog.  GO CRAZY, you weirdo (but change the fucking station and take off the makeup.  You probably look ridiculous.  Just sayin…).  You do you, and send me a red velvet one if you can.  But in the mean time, whichever way you find most effective- hold the glimmer.  Hold it tight, hold it close, just hold the glimmer.

Below, you will find proof of Duke and I attempting to bar blog.  As he posted before, it was a complete debaucherous mess, ending in aioli on Asians (and multiple other sauces and fried foods), a righteous Friday morning hangover, and no post.   Write a comment, Shoot us an email, “like” our facebook fan page, and follow us on twitter @holdtheglimmer and @DukeHTG….because we have feelings too.

Guess who’s who?

Ya…

So…

Apparently, when you don’t write something for 20+ days, people go ape shit crazy, start questioning your morals and integrity (jokes on them!), and lose any glimmer of hope in the definition of “commitment.”  I get it.  I do.  I’m the asshole.  I told you wonderful people that I would be posting on a regular basis, and I’ve slightly dropped the ball in keeping you entertained.  Ok, ok….OK! I beyond dropped the ball.  I slashed the ball with a machete, doused it in gasoline, and threw it in my bbq at Coachella (I mean, you can’t eat raw hamburgers…)  With the explanation always comes the excuse, and boy do I have a good one: life.  Life, you say? Yes.  Believe it or not, I have a life.  People actually enjoy my presence from time to time and really, who am I to judge them.  It’s a phenomenon I have yet to fully understand, but in the last 20+ days, I have been busy fully embracing life.  And life, well…life punched me in the face with a cold, gave me a 103 temperature, hacking cough, and snot faucet nose.  Thanks, life.  Really.

And, with that……I’m following up the last, slightly too awesome post with one about Tyler Perry (there go our 4 readers, Duke, sorry…).

 AND WHAT? I was in the gifted class throughout 8th grade.  We were elite.  We always beat those regular kids in spelling bees (I’d specifically call myself out on those wins, but with last weekend’s conversation with my elementary school teacher, apparently I didn’t win first place in 5th OR 6th.  At the time of hearing this, my world entirely slightly fell apart.  But, talking about it makes it ok, or something?  I didn’t need to win every spelling bee.  My future children will still like me.  Right? Whatevs- the regular kids didn’t even place.  I have enough room in my purse to hold that grudge. You know, not EVERY child makes it into that program.)  I can wow your mind-holes with a post on Tyler Fucking Perry.

I can admit to not knowing enough about Tyler Perry to flagrantly judge him; but judge I will. There’s more than enough judging to go around in this blog, and why not judge Emmitt Perry Jr?

Wait. Who?

Yep. Emmitt Perry Jr is in fact Tyler fucking Perry.

And where do we go when searching for understanding, knowledge, or random facts on Chernobyl? Wikipedia, of course. And WHAT a Wikipedia HE has! Tyler’s early life is too incredibly emotional and somber for me to discuss, and even had me contemplating switching topics.  Nobody enjoys a rant on some guy with a sordid history; but, like any good writer/actor/porn star: the show must go on.

I have one nine hundred burning questions in my mind: At what point did America collectively say “We need more movies about men in dresses”?  At what point did we think to need not one sequel or two about a man wearing a dress and acting like some form of grandmother/dear abby/every neighbor you hate, but SEVEN sequels?? At what point were we dumbed down enough to pay $10+ to see a character scream “hallalujER”? I’ll admit to never seeing anything Madea related, but how did Mr. Perry become one of the highest paid directors of our time….all while looking like this:

 

and this:

     

Now, I am ALL about making money (mainly because my bank laughs at my bi-weekly direct deposit and I’m contemplating ebay-ing my mexican turtle collection to fill my gas tank for the month (it’s a REALLY good collection)), but one has to question what lengths one will go through to obtain such paychecks, all while keeping some shred of dignity intact. Sure, Mr. Perry is a self made gazillionaire- but I can’t help to pity the stereotypes he perpetuates to attain it.  And now for some IMDB love:

At long last, Madea returns to the big screen in TYLER PERRY’S MADEA GOES TO JAIL. This time America’s favorite irreverent, pistol-packin’ grandmomma is raising hell behind bars and lobbying for her freedom…Hallelujer!

After a high-speed freeway chase puts Madea (TYLER PERRY) in front of the judge, her reprieve is short-lived as anger management issues get the best of her and land her in jail. A gleeful Joe (TYLER PERRY) couldn’t be happier at Madea’s misfortune. But Madea’s eccentric family members the Browns (DAVID and TAMALA MANN) rally behind her, lending their special “country” brand of support.

Meanwhile, Assistant District Attorney Joshua Hardaway (DEREK LUKE) is on the fast track to career success. But Hardaway lands a case too personal to handle – defending young prostitute and former drug addict Candace Washington (KEISHA KNIGHT PULLIAM) – and asks his fiancée and fellow ADA Linda Holmes (ION OVERMAN) to fill in on his behalf. When Candace ends up in jail, Madea befriends the young woman, protecting her in a “motherly” way as only Madea can.

Really. High speed freeway chases. Prostitutes. What exactly is “country” brand of support?  Is that better or worse than good ol fashion…support?

Isn’t anyone mad about this?  Is it just me, the bored little white girl who has a problem with blockbuster movies titled “Madea Goes to Jail” and “I Can Do Bad All By Myself” and…..Oh god. I just got racial.  Stop the presses.  Everyone breathe for a minute- we’re gonna get through this together. Look, Spike Lee is on my team:

“”Each artist should be allowed to pursue their artistic endeavors, but I still think there is a lot of stuff out today that is coonery and buffoonery. I know it’s making a lot of money and breaking records, but we can do better … I see these two ads for these two shows (“Meet The Browns”,”House of Payne”) …. and I am scratching my head,” he said. “We got a black president, and we going back to Mantan Moreland and Sleep ‘n’ Eat?”

I’m almost positive Spike feels the same way about Mr. Martin Lawrence.  Remember that guy?  Remember Def Comedy Jams, Martin, or Bad Boys? HUMOR! ENTERTAINMENT! Well, “Daaaamn Gina” is now running around in a dress and a fat suit and who do we have to thank for that?  No…not Will Smith- Would we ever catch him in Women In Black?  (The answer is no- stop thinking about it) This is entirely Tyler Emmitt Perry’s fault.

Ultimately Tyler, you are doing bad all by yourself (see what I did there!) You have the money and power, you know the right people and you’ve made your name in the industry; so maybe it’s time to stop dumbing us down and maybe we should start questioning your actual writing abilities.  See, with this somewhat new found success and status as Oprah’s bff, I expect more out of you. If and when you decide to make a movie that doesn’t involve glamorizing every negative stereotype ever created; I may change my opinion on your wasted talents.  Until then, and I’ll use your words: “Put the shut to the up, okay?”

   Here at HTG (Hold the Glimmer…see how I did that…we already have an abbreviation!!!), we have an interest in keeping you entertained, maybe even mildly amused.  While there has yet to be and most likely never will be a rhyme or reason to any of this blogosphere madness, we are genuinely interested in making this site a worthwhile click in your day.  In the last few weeks, we’ve realized there may be more than 4 regular readers, and while that’s close to the most awesome thing I’ve ever experienced, it also scares the shit out of me for two reasons: 1.You may actually enjoy the site, meaning I have to follow through with commitments and write, and 2. Well…ok..so there is only one reason.  But, I’m a people pleaser.  Do you see how well this relationship is working out already?  We have every intention of keeping this site awesome, and welcome any and all feedback, comments, knock knock jokes, even a little inspiration at holdtheglimmer@gmail.com, not to mention- we’re on that twitter thing @holdtheglimmer! And with that, Hold the Glimmer has the distinguished honor to introduce you to one of the finest degenerates Los Angeles has to offer, my good friend and HTG’s new feature writer, Duke.  Hold your applause, please.

 

     It seems like every great author started off composing stories about drunken struggling writers – themselves.  Hemmingway, Bukowski, Thompson – drunk, drunker, and druggie – all started out writing about how lost in the world they were as failed journalists and story tellers.  No wonder I identify with these degenerates so well… as a drunken struggler, I also fancy myself a writer, or at least someone with the gift of linguistic artistry.  But a writer without a topic is like a painter without a picture in his head or a naked muse on his couch – he’s just another alcoholic.  Don’t get me wrong, there’s no shortage of subject matter on which to pontificate these days…  Our political discourse is crumbling.  Our international relations are falling apart.  Our heroes are dead or making GAP commercials.  The prospect of finding true love in our society is about as real as Charlie Sheen’s respect for women.  And, it seems like the Earth is trying to swallow us whole after years of getting raped and abused by the big dick of industrialization.  Jesus H. W. Christmas, are you as depressed as I am yet?  No wonder there’s nothing to write about – every time I try to put a pen to a paper I have to go searching for a tissue!  I start off thinking to myself, “tonight I’ll have a drink and do some writing.”  Then a drink turns into four or five… I watch the news for some inspiration… lose all hope; take an ambien and go to sleep. 

 Then, one morning, a dear friend asks me to write a piece for her blog.  No problem, right?  Well half a day’s work goes by (the day goes by, not the work, it’s still there) and it finally occurs to me!  I bitch about not writing because I don’t have the inspiration.  So, I’ll start where my drunken forefathers started – with the struggle.  See, the only real difference between someone striving to write (me), and a normal person, is that a normal person doesn’t feel the need to make excuses or hate himself for not writing.  In the last year, I’ve written as much as this cup of tea I’m drinking.  That kills me inside, because I know I have the ability.  I look at the world around me and note some astute observations, but just as soon as I think I have a grasp on some concept, my point alludes me and I’m back to staring at three dots at the end of a sentence…

That’s when you search the bottom of your scotch glass for a quick tangent.  Speaking of which, The Flintstones WAS Liz Taylor’s last movie (or as far as I’ve seen, her only movie).

My favorite part of telling people I’m a writer though (fuck you, don’t judge me – sometimes you have to lie to be interesting) is when they ask me, “What do you write?”  I usually say children’s books about drug safety and proper usage of profanity.  Then when they settle their feigned outrage, I admit that I just scribble philosophical musings and fiery political rants on the back of cocktail napkins and TPS Reports.  Hey, I may not have a strong audience, but right now it’s more about keeping sane than about getting published. 

I guess it’s not so much that I’m a writer, at this point I most certainly am not.  I’m more like an observer of life and the world.  Sometimes those observations amount to lengthy pieces I aspire to turn into articles and books… and other times they sum up to a twelve word status update that nobody comments on (assholes).  The point, if there was one, is that – no matter what keeps you up at night, be it lack of creativity or the presence of strong drink – we all start out with the struggle.  And this is where mine begins…

 

(Glimmer- held.)


Archived

Enter your email address to be notified of all things HTG!

Advertisements