Hold the Glimmer

Sweat, baby

Posted on: March 2, 2011

  My mom would consider my fitness routine to mirror that of a sloth.  Or Paula Dean, “TWO sticks of butter, ya’ll!!”  (thanks mom) But really, who am I to argue?  Sloths are cute (SO CUTE) and I love butter.  I live for butter. Butter makes the world better. I’m not entirely adverse to burning a calorie or two, in fact I sometimes even enjoy it (all fabrications, I fucking hate it.)  The worst part for me though- the sweating.  You know that scene in Along Came Polly, where Ben Stiller is playing basketball with a bunch of overgrown MANimals, and poor little Ben is stuck covering the sweatiest, moley-ist, downright grossest man on the team? Oh, right.  This guy-

Well, that’s how I feel every time I try and burn a calorie.  No, not like poor Ben Stiller, but more like The Moley man in all his shirtless, sweaty glory.  That’s me…without the moles. That’s my problem.  I don’t sweat pretty and it affects my life to no end.  I have friends who work out in their makeup.  I have friends who wear ONLY sports bras when they jog. I have friends who leave the gym and then go see their boyfriends, only to further infuriate me for not having pit stains, red face or wet sweat hair. I don’t entirely hate them with their pretty sweat; I just hate my genes.

Well mom, guess who got bored doing spreadsheets and splurged on yet another Groupon?  This girl.  And take an even wilder guess at who will be attending “Feel the Burn Boot Camp” tonight at 6pm.?  *sighs*

This girl.

And of course, gchat to the rescue:

Duke: Nice. So what does this boot camp involve?

me: an hour of hardcore something something that i bought on groupon

  guaranteed to burn 1700 calories

  is that safe?

  isn’t that my daily intake?

  *assumed

Duke: Yeah in order to lose weight you should be burning more than your daily intake

 me: well i get that

  but not in ONE HOUR LONG CLASS

Duke: Lol there’s a lot of exercises that burn ridiculous calories like that

me: i again agree

  but not in ONE HOUR

Duke: Lol I’m sure it’s not dangerous for a 26 year old with no heart conditions or asthma

 me: that smokes a pack and gram a day

and eats little to nothing before 4pm

 Duke: Yeah you might want to eat something today

  Skinny bitch

 me: FINE! I’ll eat some egg beaters

  which strangely remind me of wife beaters

  which then turns me to wanting to beat someone up

  with a hammer

Duke: And off you go, trolling the corporate hallways for wimpy kids and scared accountants to rough up and shake down for loose change and paperclips…

So, here I am with an urge to hurt people and burn calories.  I’m hoping for women over 220 lbs (duh, so I can look AWESOME), little to no military back rounds or fatigues, and rain….so that the class will be canceled.

 Clearly, I’m also hoping to live through this experience and repost tomorrow.  And if that doesn’t happen, please call Courtney and ask her to delete my porn and emails.

To be continued……we hope….

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