I’ve spent the last 79 minutes trying to figure out how to deposit a check via Iphone.  I’m positive you just read that and thought “oh right, 79 minutes…more like 3.”  If that’s the case, you clearly don’t know me well enough.  “Trivial details” are my middle names, followed closely by “obsessive” and “compulsive.” When I say 79 minutes, I mean 79 minutes.  Or, I’m under exaggerating as to not be assumed even more psycho than usual.

It’s not that I’m stupid or technologically inept, it’s that my bank (rhymes with face, race, pace, lace, mace…) has a problem with advertising.  Have you seen the commercial where the perfect bride and groom are snuggled up in their post coital plushy expensive bed, looking over their new found wealth through marriage and debating how they’re going to get the millions of thoughtless wedding presents (read: checks) into their bank accounts before they whisk away to Bali, only to realize their bank now offers easy snap shot deposits with same day account approval? They pull the sheets closer and take a picture of one check, most likely valued at $17 (sheets tell all about a person), giggle and smile at each other as if they just stole a paraplegic kids popsicle (“he can’t catch us!!!!”), flagrantly throw the check off their love den bed, and repeat process again.

Well, I wasn’t entirely anticipating that outcome for a few reasons; mainly because I’m not married nor anywhere close to it, I would never smile so deviously as to assume hurt on a paraplegic, and I have really nice sheets.  But, I was definitely anticipating ease and this process has been far from it.

The easiest of tasks is to take a picture, right? WRONG….and here we go again with the false advertising.  Remember that beautiful wedded couple taking pictures in bed of their checks (not a porno…not a porno…)?  Well, the instructions clearly state the check must be flattened and gently placed on a dark surface, as to prevent any color issues when capturing the image.  HOW DID THEY DO IT?! I took 23 different pictures with different dark backrounds WHILE standing up (as instructed to do…because for some reason taking a picture of a check on an oak desk while standing as opposed to seated has a drastic impact on said uncapturable image ((…callin your bluff Chasey…)) yet all THEY had to do was lay back in bed and snap away!?!?  Needless to say, it took 24 pictures and one approval.  So easy Chase, so so easy….

—-Can I just switch topics for a minute here?

I thought Elizabeth Taylor died after The Flintstones movie? Haven’t we been mourning for years?

—–And we’re back…

So, the 24^th attempt at said picture was “approved”, but with the ominous warning of “Cannot display amount on check, please enter manually.”  Personally, I’m under the impression that approved means approved.  Approved means “all things good”.  Approved means “this is correct and ok”.  Approved does NOT mean “this kinda works, but this kinda doesn’t.”

So, like any normal sheep, I follow directions and enter the amount only to be told “the amount does not match.”  Well HOW THE FUCK COULD IT IF YOU JUST TOLD ME YOU CANNOT DISPLAY AMOUNT. I AM HELPING YOU AND GIVING YOU THE AMOUNT.  What kind of technology is this?!  You’re forcing me to wait in line with those people just to deposit a check? Ya, well, I don’t stoop to those levels, Chase.  I don’t stoop.

Guess what I just found out?  You can get panic attacks from writing experiences and I’m officially doomed as a writer. Happy Wednesday.