Archive for April 2011
Glimmer Talk
Posted on: April 27, 2011
Are five days enough to let the heat cool off from the Spike Lee/Tyler Perry black-on-blacker race wars? Speaking of which, I think that bitch Madea snuck into my dresser drawer and replaced all my ties and dress socks with panty hose and a do-it-yourself home weave kit! Hey, if the mumu fits… no no, fuck that shit, I’ll keep my day job, thanks very much. It may be hectic and thankless, but it’s dignified – sort of. Anyway enough about transgendered millionaires, here’s a bitch-fit about you and me…
Look, I get it. You’re busy at work. I’m busy too. I work for one of the biggest defense contractors on the planet. The team I work with, the shit we do – it represents roughly 9 billion dollars in potential revenue. So trust me, I am fucking busy. But, I also have needs. I get lonely in this tiny office with no windows. Our understaffed team is made up of a tough skinned little old lady and two over-the-hill programmers. While they are all friendly and great to work with, they couldn’t understand me on a personal level if their pensions depended on it. Alright, I’ll be honest, I’m one of those people who needs constant communication with someone… ANYONE… but preferably someone who cares enough to reciprocate my attention. So when I’m not training stubborn financial experts, testing software modifications, troubleshooting user issues, answering calls and emails, or working one of the many side projects that totally aren’t in my job description – I like to reach out and touch who ever is available, digitally I mean. I’m talking about my only medium of sanity between the 8 to 5 hours, gchat. If you’re on it, if I see your name on a daily basis, chances are I’ve asked what you’re wearing at least a few times. And if you’re cool, you’ve probably lied and described something far more interesting than the bland corporate costume you bedrudgingly threw on that morning. Maybe it’s kind of sad, but that’s the best entertainment I get all day.
People are different, though. We all have different schedules, responsibilities and distractions swirling around our heads. We have diverse needs and communication abilities as well. So it’s no surprise that there are so many various types of gchatters. How many, you ask? Did I take the time to categorize them and compile a list one day while stuck on a teleconference that really had nothing to do with me? Maybe I did. And maybe now you have something to read as you multitask between facebooking and pretending to give a shit about your job…
The Ghost – I IMed you three hours ago and you still haven’t responded, even though your status never went idle (yeah, I noticed, that’s what it’s there for). Do you have me on the pay-no-mind list? Did you die at your desk and your twitching rigormortis-stricken hand just keeps moving the mouse to fool your friends into thinking you’re still alive? I know, I know, you’re furiously firing off emails and other such banalities that are paramount to your career. Seriously though, everyone has a few a minutes in their to day to say hi to a friend and see how they’re doing. In some cultures, that’s how they show they care.
The Brick Wall – Hi. OK. You? Yeah. Oh. Cool… I don’t think talking to one of these ice boxes even qualifies as a conversation. I don’t know a lot of people who are completely bereft of personality – but maybe being at work just sucks it right out of you. Perhaps you’re really quite interesting and have fascinating stories and opinions in real life, but you’re just illiterate or can’t type well. No no, I understand. You’re busy. If you don’t even have the time to formulate full sentences or share a complete thought, maybe you should cut the bullshit and go handle your business. I don’t want to tell you how to be a better slave or anything, it’s just an idea.
The Cliffhanger – You could be the greatest storyteller ever, if you could just finish a god damn story. You escaped from the whore house brawl, stole the cop car, chased by thugs, you jumped from the speeding vehicle, hid in the bushes, then suddenly…. Ten minutes go by, twenty minutes, your name turns idle, you get logged off… What happened? Did the thugs catch you as you were finishing that sentence? No warning, no “hey, I’ll be right back, sorry.” I don’t hear from you again for two days and when I finally do, you don’t even have the decency to finish the story! In the meantime, I broke three office chairs from hanging on the edge of them for so long. It’s not just the stories, either. It happens during just about every conversation we have online. They never end, you just disappear as if we weren’t even talking. Imagine if we were having a discussion in person, and right as you were about to make a point, I turned around and walked away…
The Emo Queen – God, life is SO hard, isn’t it? Shit, I pat myself on the back just for getting out of bed in the morning. But once I’m caffeinated and showered, I lose the morose attitude and brighten up quite a bit. After all, it’s just life – no big deal. Then I get an IM that goes something like, “Kill me pleeaaaase, my mom said my green shirt is uglyyyyy. I want to dieeee.” Wow. Relax, sweetheart. Don’t kill yourself just because your mom is a shallow bitch and you have no taste… my mom points out that I’m losing my hair all the time. You want to know why I’m losing it? Because of her. That’s no reason to cry. Check my wrists – no scars, Ma! So get over yourself, throw a sweater over that tragedy, and make your mom happy for a change. Try doing it with a smile – it’s easier than you’re making it.
Tracy- The Perfect Gchatter (she put me up to it, I swear) – How am I? Well besides choking on my tea from disbelief, I’m great! Thanks for taking the time to ask. Oh and you have an interesting anecdote, follow up commentary, and a warm, positive outlook? Holy cow, it’s almost like there’s a human being on the other end of this electric window! Perfect gchatter, I know your name isn’t always Tracy, but I am always happy to hear from you. Hell I might even stop what I was doing just to say I miss you and make plans to hang out. Then, when all that show of emotion is done, we’ll actually bid each other farewell before getting back to the insanity of corporate life. I’ll do it with a smile on my face, because my day has just been MADE – you can bet your sweet ass on that.
I could go on for days, I’m sure. But in the interest of time and space, I’ll wrap this up. Let’s be real, nobody is perfect. We’re all different. I’m guilty of being all those characters at some point or another (and so is Tracy, but don’t tell her I said so). My only goal here is to poke fun and make people aware of how they come across when they’re click clacking with their buddies. Next time you’re escaping the monotony of your work day, just remember that’s a real live person you’re talking to – probably a friend. So act like it. lol. omg. asl? gtfohwts.
Back to life…
Posted on: April 22, 2011
Ya…
So…
Apparently, when you don’t write something for 20+ days, people go ape shit crazy, start questioning your morals and integrity (jokes on them!), and lose any glimmer of hope in the definition of “commitment.” I get it. I do. I’m the asshole. I told you wonderful people that I would be posting on a regular basis, and I’ve slightly dropped the ball in keeping you entertained. Ok, ok….OK! I beyond dropped the ball. I slashed the ball with a machete, doused it in gasoline, and threw it in my bbq at Coachella (I mean, you can’t eat raw hamburgers…) With the explanation always comes the excuse, and boy do I have a good one: life. Life, you say? Yes. Believe it or not, I have a life. People actually enjoy my presence from time to time and really, who am I to judge them. It’s a phenomenon I have yet to fully understand, but in the last 20+ days, I have been busy fully embracing life. And life, well…life punched me in the face with a cold, gave me a 103 temperature, hacking cough, and snot faucet nose. Thanks, life. Really.
And, with that……I’m following up the last, slightly too awesome post with one about Tyler Perry (there go our 4 readers, Duke, sorry…).
AND WHAT? I was in the gifted class throughout 8th grade. We were elite. We always beat those regular kids in spelling bees (I’d specifically call myself out on those wins, but with last weekend’s conversation with my elementary school teacher, apparently I didn’t win first place in 5th OR 6th. At the time of hearing this, my world entirely slightly fell apart. But, talking about it makes it ok, or something? I didn’t need to win every spelling bee. My future children will still like me. Right? Whatevs- the regular kids didn’t even place. I have enough room in my purse to hold that grudge. You know, not EVERY child makes it into that program.) I can wow your mind-holes with a post on Tyler Fucking Perry.
I can admit to not knowing enough about Tyler Perry to flagrantly judge him; but judge I will. There’s more than enough judging to go around in this blog, and why not judge Emmitt Perry Jr?
Wait. Who?
Yep. Emmitt Perry Jr is in fact Tyler fucking Perry.
And where do we go when searching for understanding, knowledge, or random facts on Chernobyl? Wikipedia, of course. And WHAT a Wikipedia HE has! Tyler’s early life is too incredibly emotional and somber for me to discuss, and even had me contemplating switching topics. Nobody enjoys a rant on some guy with a sordid history; but, like any good writer/actor/porn star: the show must go on.
I have one nine hundred burning questions in my mind: At what point did America collectively say “We need more movies about men in dresses”? At what point did we think to need not one sequel or two about a man wearing a dress and acting like some form of grandmother/dear abby/every neighbor you hate, but SEVEN sequels?? At what point were we dumbed down enough to pay $10+ to see a character scream “hallalujER”? I’ll admit to never seeing anything Madea related, but how did Mr. Perry become one of the highest paid directors of our time….all while looking like this:
and this:
Now, I am ALL about making money (mainly because my bank laughs at my bi-weekly direct deposit and I’m contemplating ebay-ing my mexican turtle collection to fill my gas tank for the month (it’s a REALLY good collection)), but one has to question what lengths one will go through to obtain such paychecks, all while keeping some shred of dignity intact. Sure, Mr. Perry is a self made gazillionaire- but I can’t help to pity the stereotypes he perpetuates to attain it. And now for some IMDB love:
At long last, Madea returns to the big screen in TYLER PERRY’S MADEA GOES TO JAIL. This time America’s favorite irreverent, pistol-packin’ grandmomma is raising hell behind bars and lobbying for her freedom…Hallelujer!
After a high-speed freeway chase puts Madea (TYLER PERRY) in front of the judge, her reprieve is short-lived as anger management issues get the best of her and land her in jail. A gleeful Joe (TYLER PERRY) couldn’t be happier at Madea’s misfortune. But Madea’s eccentric family members the Browns (DAVID and TAMALA MANN) rally behind her, lending their special “country” brand of support.
Meanwhile, Assistant District Attorney Joshua Hardaway (DEREK LUKE) is on the fast track to career success. But Hardaway lands a case too personal to handle – defending young prostitute and former drug addict Candace Washington (KEISHA KNIGHT PULLIAM) – and asks his fiancée and fellow ADA Linda Holmes (ION OVERMAN) to fill in on his behalf. When Candace ends up in jail, Madea befriends the young woman, protecting her in a “motherly” way as only Madea can.
Really. High speed freeway chases. Prostitutes. What exactly is “country” brand of support? Is that better or worse than good ol fashion…support?
Isn’t anyone mad about this? Is it just me, the bored little white girl who has a problem with blockbuster movies titled “Madea Goes to Jail” and “I Can Do Bad All By Myself” and…..Oh god. I just got racial. Stop the presses. Everyone breathe for a minute- we’re gonna get through this together. Look, Spike Lee is on my team:
“”Each artist should be allowed to pursue their artistic endeavors, but I still think there is a lot of stuff out today that is coonery and buffoonery. I know it’s making a lot of money and breaking records, but we can do better … I see these two ads for these two shows (“Meet The Browns”,”House of Payne”) …. and I am scratching my head,” he said. “We got a black president, and we going back to Mantan Moreland and Sleep ‘n’ Eat?”
I’m almost positive Spike feels the same way about Mr. Martin Lawrence. Remember that guy? Remember Def Comedy Jams, Martin, or Bad Boys? HUMOR! ENTERTAINMENT! Well, “Daaaamn Gina” is now running around in a dress and a fat suit and who do we have to thank for that? No…not Will Smith- Would we ever catch him in Women In Black? (The answer is no- stop thinking about it) This is entirely Tyler Emmitt Perry’s fault.
Ultimately Tyler, you are doing bad all by yourself (see what I did there!) You have the money and power, you know the right people and you’ve made your name in the industry; so maybe it’s time to stop dumbing us down and maybe we should start questioning your actual writing abilities. See, with this somewhat new found success and status as Oprah’s bff, I expect more out of you. If and when you decide to make a movie that doesn’t involve glamorizing every negative stereotype ever created; I may change my opinion on your wasted talents. Until then, and I’ll use your words: “Put the shut to the up, okay?”
Hold the Glimmer 