Ya…

So…

Apparently, when you don’t write something for 20+ days, people go ape shit crazy, start questioning your morals and integrity (jokes on them!), and lose any glimmer of hope in the definition of “commitment.”  I get it.  I do.  I’m the asshole.  I told you wonderful people that I would be posting on a regular basis, and I’ve slightly dropped the ball in keeping you entertained.  Ok, ok….OK! I beyond dropped the ball.  I slashed the ball with a machete, doused it in gasoline, and threw it in my bbq at Coachella (I mean, you can’t eat raw hamburgers…)  With the explanation always comes the excuse, and boy do I have a good one: life.  Life, you say? Yes.  Believe it or not, I have a life.  People actually enjoy my presence from time to time and really, who am I to judge them.  It’s a phenomenon I have yet to fully understand, but in the last 20+ days, I have been busy fully embracing life.  And life, well…life punched me in the face with a cold, gave me a 103 temperature, hacking cough, and snot faucet nose.  Thanks, life.  Really.

And, with that……I’m following up the last, slightly too awesome post with one about Tyler Perry (there go our 4 readers, Duke, sorry…).

 AND WHAT? I was in the gifted class throughout 8^th grade.  We were elite.  We always beat those regular kids in spelling bees (I’d specifically call myself out on those wins, but with last weekend’s conversation with my elementary school teacher, apparently I didn’t win first place in 5^th OR 6^th.  At the time of hearing this, my world entirely slightly fell apart.  But, talking about it makes it ok, or something?  I didn’t need to win every spelling bee.  My future children will still like me.  Right? Whatevs- the regular kids didn’t even place.  I have enough room in my purse to hold that grudge. You know, not EVERY child makes it into that program.)  I can wow your mind-holes with a post on Tyler Fucking Perry.

I can admit to not knowing enough about Tyler Perry to flagrantly judge him; but judge I will. There’s more than enough judging to go around in this blog, and why not judge Emmitt Perry Jr?

Wait. Who?

Yep. Emmitt Perry Jr is in fact Tyler fucking Perry.

And where do we go when searching for understanding, knowledge, or random facts on Chernobyl? Wikipedia, of course. And WHAT a Wikipedia HE has! Tyler’s early life is too incredibly emotional and somber for me to discuss, and even had me contemplating switching topics.  Nobody enjoys a rant on some guy with a sordid history; but, like any good writer/actor/porn star: the show must go on.

I have one nine hundred burning questions in my mind: At what point did America collectively say “We need more movies about men in dresses”?  At what point did we think to need not one sequel or two about a man wearing a dress and acting like some form of grandmother/dear abby/every neighbor you hate, but SEVEN sequels?? At what point were we dumbed down enough to pay $10+ to see a character scream “hallalujER”? I’ll admit to never seeing anything Madea related, but how did Mr. Perry become one of the highest paid directors of our time….all while looking like this:

and this:

Now, I am ALL about making money (mainly because my bank laughs at my bi-weekly direct deposit and I’m contemplating ebay-ing my mexican turtle collection to fill my gas tank for the month (it’s a REALLY good collection)), but one has to question what lengths one will go through to obtain such paychecks, all while keeping some shred of dignity intact. Sure, Mr. Perry is a self made gazillionaire- but I can’t help to pity the stereotypes he perpetuates to attain it.  And now for some IMDB love:

At long last, Madea returns to the big screen in TYLER PERRY’S MADEA GOES TO JAIL. This time America’s favorite irreverent, pistol-packin’ grandmomma is raising hell behind bars and lobbying for her freedom…Hallelujer!

After a high-speed freeway chase puts Madea (TYLER PERRY) in front of the judge, her reprieve is short-lived as anger management issues get the best of her and land her in jail. A gleeful Joe (TYLER PERRY) couldn’t be happier at Madea’s misfortune. But Madea’s eccentric family members the Browns (DAVID and TAMALA MANN) rally behind her, lending their special “country” brand of support.

Meanwhile, Assistant District Attorney Joshua Hardaway (DEREK LUKE) is on the fast track to career success. But Hardaway lands a case too personal to handle – defending young prostitute and former drug addict Candace Washington (KEISHA KNIGHT PULLIAM) – and asks his fiancée and fellow ADA Linda Holmes (ION OVERMAN) to fill in on his behalf. When Candace ends up in jail, Madea befriends the young woman, protecting her in a “motherly” way as only Madea can.

Really. High speed freeway chases. Prostitutes. What exactly is “country” brand of support?  Is that better or worse than good ol fashion…support?

Isn’t anyone mad about this?  Is it just me, the bored little white girl who has a problem with blockbuster movies titled “Madea Goes to Jail” and “I Can Do Bad All By Myself” and…..Oh god. I just got racial.  Stop the presses.  Everyone breathe for a minute- we’re gonna get through this together. Look, Spike Lee is on my team:

“”Each artist should be allowed to pursue their artistic endeavors, but I still think there is a lot of stuff out today that is coonery and buffoonery. I know it’s making a lot of money and breaking records, but we can do better … I see these two ads for these two shows (“Meet The Browns”,”House of Payne”) …. and I am scratching my head,” he said. “We got a black president, and we going back to Mantan Moreland and Sleep ‘n’ Eat?”

I’m almost positive Spike feels the same way about Mr. Martin Lawrence.  Remember that guy?  Remember Def Comedy Jams, Martin, or Bad Boys? HUMOR! ENTERTAINMENT! Well, “Daaaamn Gina” is now running around in a dress and a fat suit and who do we have to thank for that?  No…not Will Smith- Would we ever catch him in Women In Black?  (The answer is no- stop thinking about it) This is entirely Tyler Emmitt Perry’s fault.

Ultimately Tyler, you are doing bad all by yourself (see what I did there!) You have the money and power, you know the right people and you’ve made your name in the industry; so maybe it’s time to stop dumbing us down and maybe we should start questioning your actual writing abilities.  See, with this somewhat new found success and status as Oprah’s bff, I expect more out of you. If and when you decide to make a movie that doesn’t involve glamorizing every negative stereotype ever created; I may change my opinion on your wasted talents.  Until then, and I’ll use your words: “Put the shut to the up, okay?”