Political Dysentery
Posted on: October 5, 2011
Dear, sweet, beautiful readers… I’ve missed you. I hope you all had a great summer staring longingly out of your office windows at the birds chirping in the sunlit trees. My office doesn’t have windows. And the door is locked from the outside. But that’s neither here nor there. I truly missed you. I tried to just have fun and not think about the wonderful times we’ve spent together – but, in the end, I just couldn’t stay away. I care too much about your entertainment, and have far too many thoughts to leave them rotting in my own head. So much has happened in the world since we last spoke. Michael Jackson’s drug dealer, Dr. Murray, went on trial; Charlie Sheen got roasted like a crack rock in Amy Whinehouse’s apartment; Georgia put an innocent man to death and let a guilty man go free (guess which one wasn’t White); Sarah Palin fucked an NBA player and her husband’s business partner (guess which one wasn’t White); protests on Wall Street have been going on for three weeks now (but American news only caught wind of it about two weeks after foreign journalists broke the story – whaaat a country); and of course Tracy got a new job! Congrats on your success and happiness, dear friend!
The topic for discussion today, however, is politics… dun dun duuuunnnnn. Can you feel that weird energy in the air? We don’t know what the problem is, who the culprit is, how to solve it, why it happened, or to which country we should emigrate. All we know is, Americans are not happy – and it’s the dark fella’s fault. We’ve been tread on by new taxes (false), new government run health insurance (false) – new mandates to confiscate all firearms, force abortions, and subsidize flamboyantly gay roommates for everyone (false, false and false). But never mind all that – it doesn’t matter what is true or false anymore because real hardworking Americans (wink wink) have decided they’re going to take their country back – so you better nail down the furniture, board up the windows and brace yourselves.
If you haven’t seen any of the Republican primary debates, let me paint a picture for you – it’s like watching 8 used car salesmen auction off the General Lee to a group of recently paroled hate-criminals. In other words, it’s a fucking hootenanny. The candidates, while terrifying in their own right, have been scrambling to match intensity with the frenzied audience of psychotics and sociopaths who clearly smell impure African blood in the water – and I’m not talking about Herman Cain, the most out of place Black guy since Token from South Park. Herman Cain is an ex pizza boy; the former CEO of Godfather’s – probably the worst cardboard excuse for pizza available on the market. He made the company profitable by closing over half its locations – so he’s obviously qualified to create jobs during these tough economic times. Now I could tell you he’s a mathematician, master of computer science, syndicated columnist and former ballistics engineer for the US Navy – but that would be neither funny nor entertaining… And although Mr. Cain is probably the candidate least likely to earn a reality TV spin-off – he’s still crazy enough to say out loud, in front of cameras, that Planned Parenthood was created to “help kill Black babies,” and that communities should have the right to ban mosques. Furthermore, he’s proposing to somehow balance the budget by only charging 9 (NEIN NEIN NEIN) percent across the board on personal/corporate/sales taxes. Look people, I know nobody wants to pay taxes, but that’s how our government funds things like roads, bridges, schools, law enforcement, national security, disaster relief, social services, et cetera, et cetera. Despite the masses in the streets crying bloody murder over the possibility of the highest of the high class getting taxed at 39% instead of 35% (which will certainly usher in a new era of communism), back in the fabled 1950’s (“when the streets were safe” and bathrooms were segregated) the top bracket was taxed 70%. Yeah, you read that right – rich people, err I mean job creators, were paying SEVENTY PERCENT of their income in taxes and STILL living like royalty.
Enough of the sane and sober Herman Cain, you won’t be hearing much about him in the coming months anyway. Let’s pick on someone a little more fun – like the esteemed governor of Texas. James Richard “Rick” Perry is the guy George W. calls up when he needs someone to beat at checkers. He was a real crowd pleaser at the debates when roars and cheers boomed from yahoos upon the declaration that his great state had murdered, I mean executed over 230 prisoners under his watch – mentally handicapped and women included! Hot damn, now that’s something he can feel proud of while relaxing at his favorite retreat, Niggerhead Hunting Camp. And, much like Dubya, Perry too was a male cheerleader with a distaste for academia in college; who also happens to think our nations problems can be solved through prayer, instead of, you know – science and stuff. Are you ready for a story? This year the lone star state suffered through a terrible drought. In early April, about 15% of the state was under extreme duress from lack of rain – and wildfires had slowly begun to spread. Governor Perry, knowing it was time for a leader to spring into action, did the most logical thing – he held a statewide prayer-a-thon, dubbed “Days of Prayer for Rain in the State of Texas” from April 22-24. So all the good citizens took the weekend off from lassoing cattle and shooting beer cans, to hunker down and ask Jesus to send water from the sky to nourish their crops and stop the fires. But God, angered by the insufficient amount of cross burnings, turned His back on His faithful servants until nearly 80% of the state was charred and dried like a tasty hunk of jerky. Though I suppose Rick can’t be blamed for the Almighty’s negligence, it does beg the question – is God reliable enough to be called upon when President Perry takes office?
Speaking of reliable negligence – Michele Bachmann. Did you laugh just then? I did. I wonder how far she could fit a corn dog in her mouth…
Oh Lord. Tracy… I just… I can’t… I… alright, fuck it. So here’s Michele Bachmann gagging on a huge dong, I mean dog. How’s that for Presidential? Looks like she learned the skill from her husband, Marcus (right) – who, by the way, is totally not gay, and totally doesn’t run a camp for psychologically converting homosexuals. They’re just good people on a mission from God to teach children that evolution is an unfounded theory, and everyone in the world came from one couple, sharing the same genes – which is why it’s OK to marry your sister. She’s against educational programs like the International Baccalaureate because they don’t expressly recognize Christianity’s superiority over all other religions. But, this isn’t about Christian bashing – don’t let me make this a religious issue. Michele is so much more than a socially conservative fundamentalist – she’s also openly stupid, or at least assumes we are. This is a woman who, upon hearing China’s suggestion in 2009 that the world should stop using the Dollar as its reserve currency – immediately claimed the Obama administration was trying to force Americans to use the Yen, and proposed a resolution to bar the dollar from being replaced by foreign currency. Seriously. She even attacked Rick Perry on probably the only logical piece of policy he ever saw through – the mandatory free vaccination of women for the Human Papillomavirus, which if left untreated could turn into cervical cancer (God’s way of punishing fornicators – fuck, I went religious again). Bachmann is firmly rooted in the belief that the President of the United States of America, as well as many members of Congress, are secretly anti-American – and the media should embark on an in-depth exposé on just how many of these public officials actually hate our country. As much as I would love to dismiss her as just another Sarah Palin/Christine O’Donnell idiot yokel with a snowball’s chance in hell at the presidency – that would be naive. The woman has a law degree from Oral Roberts (teehee), a masters of law from William and Mary, and is a serious political junkie. She’s been an advocate from a young age, and even pounded the pavement for Jimmy Carter back in the 70s; yet lays into President Obama by comparing him to the “socialist” Carter. She was a tax attorney for the IRS, yet is somehow completely against taxes. Must be hard talking out of both sides when your mouth’s full! So who is Michele Bachmann and what’s really going on behind that crazy evangelical scheming blank stare of hers? Keep crying about “Obamacare” and you might just have the displeasure of finding out…
This one is for all my libertarian freedom-from-government friends who have been blinded by the smoke and mirrors of Ron Paul’s hypocrisy. Nevermind the fact that he won’t get anywhere close to winning this election. Forget that he is absolutely a conspiracy theorist and probably batshit crazy (almost as much as his idiot son, Rand Paul). Yes – the Fed is bad. They have fucked us. Yes we need to get out of Iraq and Afghanistan. And yes, medical marijuana should be decriminalized. Now that we got that out of the way – how about this… Ron Paul is against a woman’s right to choose. He thinks his religious beliefs regarding when life begins should give the government the right to ban abortion. He made a huge splash at the GOP debates when he was asked if an uninsured man who slipped into a coma should be treated. Doctor Paul’s response, “What he should do is whatever he wants to do and assume responsibility for himself. That’s what freedom is all about, taking your own risk.” Right, pull yourself up by the bootstraps, you fucking vegetable. No handouts! Atlas Shrugged! Zig Heil! Sorry, I got ahead of myself there… but when pressed on whether he thought this person should die, the crowd – again hungry for blood – screamed “YEAH!” Holy shit people! What fucking country do I live in? I don’t know how you can claim to be, or aspire to be, the greatest nation on Earth if you’re completely against the idea that everybody, no matter the circumstance, should at least have the right to medical treatment. I get that the government isn’t a charity, but maybe it’s my crazy liberal upbringing that makes me believe that as the overseer of this massive state, it should at least provide the basic services that aren’t supposed to turn a profit. Libertarians like to hang their hat on the idea that we don’t need government; that private businesses and non-profit organizations can take care of everything. They won’t. They do not. Private businesses beget greed and turn simple services into dollar signs. Non-profit organizations can hardly stand on their own two feet most of the time. But the government – which is not some foreign entity, it’s us – people, much like yourselves – could provide those services if we just allowed them. Instead, you clamor for them to raise your kids for you, tell you what you shouldn’t do with your body, and decide which country we should be meddling with this week. Freedom from government when it suits my fucking purpose is more like it.
Are you starting to feel my frustration here? Let me abandon this form and just shoot you straight. There’s a lot of complaining going on out there about how ineffective Barack Obama has been. It’s been a tooth and nail battle, and his opposition has played power politics every step of the way. So do not, for one second, think this is the best that could have been done. But also don’t be fooled – it could have been way, way, way waaaaaay worse. You could have Mitt “buy nearly bankrupt companies, fire 90% of the labor force and sell for profit” Romney. You might get Newt “blow me in the parking lot while my wife is in chemotherapy” Gingrich. Or, God forbid, Rick “reinstate Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” Santorum. It’s a bleak pack out there, and the rest of the also-rans aren’t even worth mentioning. I can tell you this much though – no candidate in the running has absolutely any plan of moving this country forward. The only resolution being suggested (in about 9 different flavors) is to roll back the progress we’ve made, and stick to the original status quo of letting the rich get richer, and the poor get poorer. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be let down by someone who shares my sense of social and financial justice, than proper fucked by someone who couldn’t care less about anyone making less than seven figures. So check your bank account before making your final decision – because there is 1 guy who isn’t working for the best interest of millionaires, and a hungry fucking pack of hyenas who are. We’ve got 13 months until the Presidential election, and now is the time to get over all disappointments and disillusionment. As hard as it is to sell “not as bad as it could have been” you really have to realize how bad it almost was. Word around the rumor mill is that Sarah Palin (even after everything) is quietly looking to throw her mama grizzly hat into the ring, so look forward to more fiery political rants in this space [note: as of right now, 4pm 10/3/11 Palin announced she will not be running – but that won’t derail the Fear Party Express or our countinued coverage]. Till next time. Vote responsibly.
Hold the Glimmer 
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