Hold the Glimmer

Posts Tagged ‘bachmann

(ps- this is Tracy.)

Ya, I made these for a friend’s birthday party AND St. Patty’s Day.  Absolutely gorgeous, I know!  I’m not that single, I just really enjoy baking (and compliments…) and making my friends happy! Barf, right? It’s true, it’s true.  As disheartened as I may come off on this blog, my black heart really bleeds red and I guess I put a tiny bit of effort into keeping and making friendships, because that’s what it’s all about.  Besides, the more value I put on you, the more likely I’m paying my friendship dues super hardcore, which means I’m REALLY GOING TO NEED YOU WHEN I CRUMBLE, WHICH IS AT ANY GIVEN TIME BECAUSE MY LIFE IS FREAKING INCREDIBLE RIGHT NOW AND THIS SHEER JOY HAS TO END AT SOME POINT AND THAT POINT COULD VERY WELL BE ANY SECOND, SO PLEASE REMEMBER THAT TIME WHEN I TALKED TO YOU FOR HOURS, COACHING YOU ON WHAT EVER LIFE LESSON IT WAS FOR THE DAY, KEEPING YOU OFF THAT LEDGE, SENDING YOU E-TISSUES OR E-CARDS, OR CALLING YOUR OFFICE TO TELL THE RECEPTIONIST TO RUN IN TO THE BREAKROOM AND STOP YOU FROM TAKING THAT BITE OF A BEAR CLAW.  Really, I might need you one day.

Oh, glimmerheads, you make my world spin round.  I want to thank whomever is doing our PR all over the eastern hemisphere.  We had unique views from Saudi Arabia, Paraguay, Latvia (um?), Russian Federation and United Arab Emirates just to name a few! Granted, the 4 clicks from U.A.E. were blocked due to content (hahahahahah WHAT A SENTENCE! BLOCKED IN OTHER COUNTRIES?!?! Holding the glimmer worldwide!!!) and the 4 hits this morning from Mexico were all related to Google searches that may or may not include the words: gagging, Sarah Palin eats corn dog (it was Bachmann, you idiot), choking, and bald sweat, we really do value our insanely anonymous PR rep that’s not associated with the United States.

I’ve been coming around to this whole daylight savings thing.  Kinda. Don’t get it twisted, 4 out of 5 days of the week, I’m still watching the sun come up and go down behind glass windows, in a 10 hour span, with a mere kiss of actual sun during my lunch break, but that 5th day makes it all worthwhile. The beach is far too close for me to neglect, so I’ve been trying to make a habit of appreciating those sunsets from the sand.  It’s oddly rewarding.  That’s all I can divulge without losing my street cred.  Moving on.

Now that I’m face to face with the sun during my 2hour+ daily commute (I wasn’t lying. I’m legitly facing the sun in both directions and now have to apply sun block before driving (worst hangover cure ever…)), I’ve become even more fascinated with LA drivers.  First and foremost- you’re all assholes.  I know we covered this in previous posts, but I’ve compiled a list of the people I hate the most- Los Angeles Drivers.

The Rule Maker

Oh, we’re going YOUR speed today?  Oh, you don’t mind that your speed is 20 mph below the speed limit?  Oh, your violent “slow down” hand gestures totally negates the fact that you just made an illegal u-turn into MY LANE? Oh, you want to pump your brake lights a few times in an effort to warn me that you’re now approximately 100 yards away from the car in front of you? Ohhhh ok ok- YOU make the rules and we just abide by them.  Ps- you really suck.

The Show-off

OhhhhhEMmmmGeeeee WHERE DID YOU GET THOSE SUPER AWESOME RIMS THAT DO THAT TWISTY THING?!?  What IS that song that you’re playing so loudly that I heard it from the underpass of the onramp a mile away?! It’s 55 degrees and all of your windows are down, how DO you DO it?  That’s right.  You’re that guy, driving around aimlessly, proving nothing other than the fact that you know how to drive and are probably severely less endowed than your average male counterparts.  You pull up to my window at every chance you get, forgetting traffic patterns or the fact that you are negatively affecting them and making your own, hoping I’ll turn to the left to check you out as you nonchalantly pretend to sing the lyrics to your favorite song. 

The Makeup Artist

This one’s a little difficult for me to write.  You see, I’ve genuinely perfected the art of car make-up.  Seriously.  Ask any single person I know (except Duke.  Duke’s a boy. Boy’s don’t understand.) and they will tell you that one of my finest gifts is transforming my face in front of a rearview mirror.  I get that it’s illegal, and really dangerous, but I’ve perfected the craft and cannot stand those who haven’t.  If your mascara application is affecting the flow of traffic- I hate you.  If I’m stopped behind your brake lights, seeing your fingers feverishly circling concealer in to those under eye circles, with 50 yards of open freeway in front of you, I will honk. And motion. And do my best to make you feel horrible about the lack of attention you are paying to that pavement.  You probably think I’m a big ole hypocrite, but the fact of the matter is that this is not me.  This is you.  I already explained that I have perfected the craft and have yet to negatively affect traffic due to my fake face.  You have not.  Fix that. (and your face. Zing!)

Mr. Sticker

I’ve been known to be a fan of flair, (mainly glitter) but my flair doesn’t fly far.  I keep the fun on my desk (Whatsup awesome rhinestone calculator! Holler sparkly coffee cup holder!), or in my room, but rarely does it reach the outer limits of my car (except 2008 with my favorite Obama bumper sticker.  All the cool kids were doing it.) I think it’s awesome that you want to “coexist” and that you’re a big fan of NOFX, but once you’ve passed the two sticker mark- I’m legally allowed to consider you freaking weird.  And how the hell am I supposed to read whatever it is you’re promoting from the back of your window while I’m trying to avoid being stuck behind you in traffic.  You are a distraction! Also, when did society deem it acceptable to not only place sticker figurines of family members in order from largest to smallest on the back of your window, but to also NAME everyone?!  I’m positively freaked out when they call my name at Starbucks, let alone blasting my family on a car.  Has anyone checked the national sex offender registry lately?  Have you looked in to your local pedophiles (I do. Every. Single. Day.  I also have a sick and twisted obsession with America’s Most Wanted, but you bet your ass I’ll be the one to find your killer.  I’m still fuming I wasn’t the one to catch Whitey Bulger in Santa Monica..) Site is BOOMING and it’s because those freaks now know each of your kids’ names and their affiliation with their favorite sports.  And friends, this is really important to me.  If I ever happen to die, I swear to all that is holy that I will haunt your asses til the day you die if I see my name, date of birth, and date of death on the back of your car in sticker form.  I’d rather be memorialized via billboard including cause of death (they never include that in obituaries and I’m always curious.  Sure, they’re to honor and remember the lives of those lost, but I’m really just curious how. If I can’t be a trend setter now, I’ll be one after I die.) Thank you.

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(Hi. Hello. My name’s Duke.  That’s not my real name.  Some of you know my real name, but that’s neither here nor there.  Many of you have yet to grasp that I post on this blog too – and when I write, it’s in blue – hence the blue font you’re reading.  Contrary to popular belief, I have never used online dating to find men – not that I wouldn’t – I just don’t like men, or online dating.  Tracy does, and that’s fucking weird, which is why I share a blog with that weird sexy bitch.  Anyway, this is just a public service announcement to let you know who I am, again, and what color I write in, again.  Now back to your regularly scheduled pissing and moaning…)

I’m still shaking off the depression from reading Tracy’s rant about seeing the sun after work.  Fuck the sun and its mocking glare, sadistically laughing at me in my windowless closet!  Whoa, ok, let’s pull it in – I actually like the sun, and daylight savings time, because I hate waking up and leaving work in darkness like a goddamn Alaskan (they’re not reading us up there anymore, are they Tracy?).

Through the first tangent and onto the next one…  You’re lucky you live in an age where people who used to get paid for talent now give it away for free – thanks again, interweb.  At least it keeps the pedophiles at home surfing the Gymboree catalogue instead of out trolling playgrounds with primer colored vans marked “FREE CANDY” on the side.  Too on the nose?  I like to set the bar high early on, just as a litmus test.  If you’re still with us, you are creepy – and that turns us right on.  Speaking of creepers and interwebs, did you hear/see/read Rick Santorum’s comments about internet porn perpetuating vile and deviant behavior in today’s public?  I just want to thank Rick Santorum (if you haven’t yet found out what “Santorum” is, please google it – I can’t repeat the definition here because it makes me blush), and the entire right-wing candidate pool for always giving me something to talk about when I have absolutely nothing to share with you people.  I always thought it would be hilarious to run for President under a fake persona and just exaggerate every socially regressive talking point until the American public realized it was being fucked with – Borat style – and started laughing at how ridiculous political discourse had become… but the character I’d invent would be just like Rick Santorum, or Sarah Palin, or Michelle Bachmann, or Newt Gingrich, or Mitt Romney… and the American public already takes these people seriously.  I guess anyone with a microphone has to be treated as if their “ideas” are legitimately viable.

Where was I?  Oh right… Rick Santorum said he wants a more strict reading of obscenity laws so he can protect the public from the vile harms of internet pornography.  Porn, according to Santorum, is toxic to marriages and relationships, and contributes to misogyny, violence against women, prostitution, and sex trafficking.  Nevermind that studies have shown that sexual assault and rape have declined considerably since the advent of the internet.  I suppose there’s no proof of a causal relationship there, but I don’t know any other invention that made access to orgasmic release easier, cheaper and safer for the public at large.  As much as I talk shit about the internet for draining people of their capacity to retain knowledge (I don’t remember, just google it), and dumbed down their personalities to the point of their individuality being nothing more than an ability to share ideas and art that other people have created – I still think it’s an amazing, interesting, vital, filthy, disgusting, beautiful tool that shouldn’t be censored in the slightest.  Personally, I’ve never seen internet pornography, but I hear good things – and if you have access, you should give it a try some time (and feel free to review your favorites right here in the comments section, or on our facebook page – like us, follow us, please or Tracy will beat me – click the button!).

Furthermore, (sorry, I have to get this train back on track) he’s accused the Obama administration of siding with pornographers over children, because the federal government isn’t out shutting down all nudey sites (not like they have anything more important to do).  Rick has vowed to do what Obama could not – raise America’s kids, because after all, that’s what we’re looking for in a President.  Even his own party is criticizing him for putting too much emphasis on social issues like this one.  But, he and his running mate, Rush Limbaugh, will hold steadfast in desluttifying America and making it repent for its sins.  Papa Santorum knows best, now go back upstairs and put some gosh darned clothes on!


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